Hidden in the Snow
by LadyKisara
Summary: Tear is uneasy. When the morning comes, the party will leave Keterburg and head for the Absorption Gate to face her brother; however, tonight, she just wants her heart to be at ease before her feelings catch up to her.


Hey, there! I started accepting fanfic requests from my tumblr friends, and this is the first piece I wrote from a prompt. I really enjoyed writing it, and it made me feel really nostalgic since I hadn't had any contact with TotA if a while!

I decided to do a first person pov because Tear feels like a really incredible character to explore. I see her as someone who thinks and feels a lot, so that's what I tried to write. I'm always open for suggestions, though! :D

I hope you all enjoy it! 3

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I stood in front of my window and watched the snow falling outside. Even though my cozy hotel room kept me protected from the freezing cold in Keterburg, the chilly air around me was still enough to make me shiver. Although, if I wanted to be honest to myself, I'd have to admit that the anxiety spreading through my body and that weird feeling curling up inside my chest were making me feel colder than any type of weather I ever faced before.

When I noticed where my thoughts were leading me again, I shook my head to dismiss them. It was just too late for me to start having doubts at this point. What good would that do? Even the slightest hesitation would be enough to lead us to defeat. Letting these feelings keep getting stronger inside my mind wasn't an option, but the more I tried to avoid it, the more it consumed me.

Suddenly, I heard a quick knock on the door, and someone called me before I could ask anything.

"Tear? Can I talk to you for a moment?"

I recognized Luke's voice, and I wasn't sure how to react. Why would he show up at my door like that? He should be resting for tomorrow.

"Come on in," I told him, then turned around. I watched as he opened the door, but Luke didn't enter the room. I almost missed it, but I noticed he was blushing.

"Maybe I shouldn't… I mean—" He interrupted himself, and I almost smiled. For a moment, I remembered the rude, self-centered brat I met an eternity ago, and it couldn't feel further away from the Luke standing in front of me now.

"It's okay," I answered. "Is something the matter?"

"I noticed your light was still on, so maybe…"

"Hm?"

He stopped again for a moment, and I wondered what he was trying to say.

"How do you feel?"

He didn't mention anything else, but there was no need for words. Maybe it was better if we stopped repeating it all the time; tomorrow, we would be traveling to the Radiation Gate to face my brother. I should have guessed that it would make Luke uneasy.

"How I feel really shouldn't matter now," I tried. "Retreating isn't an option."

I noticed he raised an eyebrow.

"Do you really still feel like that?" he calmly asked as he looked at me.

"… I don't know if I do," I admitted. "But I know I should."

I had to look away. I'd never tell him, but Luke's simple, almost innocent way of thought was what I admired in him the most. I wish it was as easy as he seemed to believe, but I just couldn't let myself relax at that point. It could cost us everything.

I heard Luke's soft steps when he walked closer, and felt his warmth when he stood by my side.

"But what I really meant when I asked that," he started again, "was if you're feeling sick. Is the miasma affecting you again?"

"Oh," I sighed.

I wasn't supposed to let any of those feelings surface at all, especially to Luke. What happened to me? I could feel his eyes on me while he waited for an answer, but what could I say?

"No," I tried to keep my voice cool. "I feel perfectly fine. It should be okay."

"That's great!" he exclaimed, and he truly sounded cheerful.

When I noticed the genuine concern in his voice, I finally allowed myself to look at him again. Luke was smiling to me, and his eyes met mine as soon as I turned my head to his direction, but I couldn't find my words again. What was I supposed to say to him now?

"You know…" he started before I could think of anything, "when I met Master Van for the first time… That's when I really felt my life was starting again."

For a moment, I just allowed myself to watch him while I tried to figure out my own confusion. I didn't expect Luke to bring up something like that so suddenly, and, apparently, he was becoming very skilled in the arte of getting me off guard.

"Luke?"

Even though I only whispered his name, I was still surprised when he acted as if nothing was said. Luke kept talking as if he was rambling more to himself than anyone else.

"He taught me how to wield a sword, and I really liked it. Now I'm not so sure if what I liked was the sword training, or just his lessons. They gave me something to look forward to for the first time in a while. No…" he closed his eyes. "I think it was the first thing I really enjoyed doing when I started creating my own memories."

I pressed my lips to keep myself from interrupting him. It was obvious that he had been thinking about it for a long time, and stopping such an intimate confession would be completely wrong. I just listened without looking away from his eyes.

"I really looked up to him, and I wanted to be just like him. He was the greatest role model I could have ever found… Or so I thought."

"Luke…"

I only noticed I whispered his name again after I'd said it. And, at first, Luke was so focused on his own thoughts that he probably didn't even notice, yet again. Then, suddenly, he smiled to me.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I know it should be clear at this point, but I think I still need to remind myself that we're doing the right thing."

Something about the way he said that bothered me. Did Luke really think it was this easy? Did I make it look as if it was? I didn't know why I was so annoyed when that was exactly what I always tried to mentalize myself, but when I heard those words in Luke's gentle voice, something finally hit home inside of me.

I remembered when Van, my brother, taught me how to sing the Fonic Hymn. The way it sounded on his voice, and how he'd help me keep trying instead of giving up when I was still learning how to sing the notes.

I thought about how he took care of me when I was still a child, and how he'd tuck me in every night. Then, he'd sing the hymn as I fell asleep, and his singing always made me feel safe and sound.

I looked back at all the times when I'd take care of the flowers, and he'd just watch my enthusiasm as if it made him happy, too. And I could still feel the love he showed me every time he protected me, even from something as small as a papercut.

"I'm sorry, Luke."

I couldn't hold it anymore. That whisper was all I could manage before I had to break our eye contact and look away again. If I didn't, it wouldn't take long for Luke to see right through my straight face and realize where those thoughts were taking me to. I noticed that he moved toward the window, too, and, for a long time, we just watched the snow in silence.

I didn't know what else I could say to him, but I had a feeling that he knew how I was feeling even before he knocked on my door. Maybe that was his way of letting me know he understands what's happening more than I give him credit for, or perhaps he just wanted to tell me he knows how I really feel, but I was sure that sharing those thoughts with me also strengthened his resolve. And knowing that he was by my side at a time like this… It meant more than I could ever put into words.

"Thank you, Luke," I finally talked to him again, but my eyes were still focusing on the window.

"Huh?" He didn't hide his confusion. "What are you thanking me for?"

"For being so honest with me, and telling me about these feelings. That's something very personal, so I'm thanking you for sharing it with me."

It was the perfect moment for me to do the same, and I wanted to, but my voice died when I tried. I still wasn't ready, but I hoped I would be after everything was finally over.

"I'm glad I can share this with you. I know you're the only one who could really understand," Luke admitted. "I should be the one thanking you for a lot of things."

"You really should," I tried, hoping he wouldn't notice my façade, "but we can save that for later. Right now, we should rest and prepare for tomorrow."

"You're right," he agreed. "Are you really feeling okay?"

I finally looked into his eyes one last time. And, when Luke smiled to me again, I didn't just see an immature boy, or a polite young man. He was just… Luke. Someone who was thrown into a very complex situation, and who was trying to make the best out of it even though he was still lost and confused.

I could relate to those feelings more than he could ever guess.

"I don't know," I gave him an honest answer. "But I'll be. How about you?"

"Same, I guess," he shrugged. "See you tomorrow, then."

"Get some rest, Luke."

When he closed the door behind him, and I saw myself alone again, I didn't try to fight the tears. They fell quietly while I kept myself busy with the snow again. The chance we'd end up fighting my brother was very high, and the undeniable truth was that I didn't want to, but even just admitting it felt wrong when there was so much at stake. Eventually, I'd take a deep breath, lay down on my bed, sleep until next morning comes and head off for the imminent battle head. But, for now, I just wanted to let myself cry; for my brother and all the memories we shared together, and for the boy who had to become a man in the middle of a war that he shouldn't have to face.


End file.
